GiST #26

Today I picked up Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics again. I've been reading it off and on over the last 3 weeks and that's okay. One of the important things I've been learning is that recovery is a slow process. It doesn't happen over night -- however much I'd like it to.

I'm getting better at recognizing "all or nothing" thinking, feelings and behavior. I might have rushed through this book 20 years ago and it took a lot for me to slow down and digest things more carefully. When I slow down, I can catch the thoughts and feelings easier. Like: I get all this, it makes sense, I should be able to move on now but I can't so what's wrong? *Nothing* is wrong. It's okay for this to take time.

The other day, when I was feeling stressed and trapped about doing an entry I was able to identify the old all or nothing thinking. I had to get it done in a certain way by a certain time or ... what? I'm a failure? No, not hardly!

Today I got a better understanding of "chunking". A few GiSTs ago, I'd mentioned this all or nothing thinking and how it blocked me from writing. I made a goal of writing creatively every day for a half hour. I haven't always met that goal and put a finger on the feeling--see? FAIL again. But *no*. I don't have to be perfect. Some days it's just not gonna happen because "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans"--i.e. when you have a goal to write on a story a half hour a day.

So ... I'll rework the writing thing by "chunking" it. That means I'll break it down into steps. It goes like this:

1. Set the goal, which is to write a complete story. Done, yay!
2. Pick a topic. This one will be autobiographical in nature. Done, yay!
3. Make a loose outline.
4. Write memories & anecdotes
5. Put the memories/anecdotes in order so that they fit the outline
6. Flesh it out
7. Go back and read what I've got & edit it
8. Start rewriting
9. Finish rewriting it
10. Give it a title

Once I get up to 10, making sure to pat myself on the back at each step, then I can plan the next series of steps--what do I want to do next with the story? So this "chunking" accomplishes a couple of things. It helps me get to where I want to be and it helps reduce this "all perfect or all wrong" kind of thinking.

Let It Go (GiST #24)

I've had a really nice productive day--meaning I've done things that I wanted to do. This morning I finished decorating the tree. I had a nice lunch and then took a two hour nap, which I really must have needed because I very nearly decided that we could have dinner at 8 and almost kept right on sleeping. Maybe I took such a long nap because I'd been worrying about my TB, who's been in so much extra pain since surgery.

When I got up, I thought that after I got dinner going I *should* do my Grace in Small Things post and another blog entry. Instead, though, I thought, hmmm, I think I'd rather sit in the living room with my daughter. Although she was busy on the computer, it was nice to be in the same room, occasionally talking to each other.

Okay, so after dinner I could do my GiST and blog posts.

Except ... my brother called and I really wanted to talk to him. We had a good long phone conversation and it felt so right to be able to talk to him. We've been so busy over the last few weeks, both of us either on the go all the time or rather stressed and pressed. This evening, both of us were pretty laid back and in a nice groove.

So now it was after 7 and The Amazing Race was nearly on--the finale, and I definitely wanted to watch that with TB. My son came in and joined us and cheered on the young couple that's been winning each leg of the race for weeks--Meghan and Cheyne. They won, too.

The evening's still early. I could go get in my posts except ... now I wanted to hang out with my son.

Now it's late and I started to feel stressed and pressed for the first time. I need to do my GiST at the very least ... and then a little voice said, would it be the end of the world if you didn't list five things today? Who would judge you for that ... except for you, yourself? You can go back to your list tomorrow.

Wow! What power, following that thought. Here I'm putting all this stress on myself for something that is supposed to be positive in my life. What is that but more "all or none" thinking? I have to get it all right or ... or... what? It's all coming from me. It doesn't have to be a certain way or posted at a certain time or even at all if I can't get to it!

The stress immediately dissipated.

I think I'm learning.

That's definitely a graceful moment--as was all of the things I experienced today.

And the pièce de résistance to the day: TB is feeling less pain now!

GiST #11

1. It was pretty nasty and gloomy all day today but we didn't really have to go out very far or for very long. There were no doctor visits requiring 90 minutes in the car round trip! Today I gave myself permission to just sleep as long and as many times as I needed. It felt good!

2. Crockpot cooking is a wonderful thing! I took a pork picnic shoulder and put it in the crockpot with chopped onions, garlic and a bottle of Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue sauce. Ten hours later: dinner! No muss, no fuss. It was perfect food for a nasty day.

3. I was going to go write down my goal and affirmation for the day and then upload it, maybe answer some memes on my other blog. It seemed like it would be a chore today so I decided I didn't have to if I didn't want to and there was no reason to feel guilty about it. I keep my goal in the front of my brain and repeated my affirmation when I needed. Pressure off!

4. I went to pick up my daughter from bowling practice. I am so happy she has a nice group of friends and isn't socially isolated. It's important to have friends!

5. On Obesity Help, sometimes there are surgery wars which can get downright nasty. There are other people who've had the duodenal switch, like my hubby and me, but they are so bitter and hateful to other people who haven't had the same surgery or are considering a different surgery. It makes me cringe. They'll say nasty things like oh yeah, you'll come over to us when your surgery fails you and wish bad health on these people. I don't like it and don't participate in that kind of bashing. Today I posted that I didn't agree with what they were doing. There's other DSers that feel like me and that's good to know. What's better is that people who've had other surgery and newbies want to be friends because they all can see past this kind of behavior too. It's nice to know not all DSers are rabid!

Today's goal was to take it easy. My affirmation: I can be patient with my growth. This way I have more opportunities to learn about myself.

My goals and affirmations have been somewhat repetitive but that's okay too. One thing I've learned is not to try and work on too much at one time!

GiST 4

Five positives of the day:

1. Our coffee maker has a timer on it. It's *so* nice to have nice hot coffee ready when we wake up in the morning. Ahhhh, bliss!

2. We had another lovely day. The sun was out and although it wasn't as warm as yesterday, it was still a very mild November day!

3. I saw my doctor (the shrink) today and the turmoil I'm experiencing is pretty normal. He wants to wait another month to see if my emotions settle down before messing with my meds. That's a relief. I don't like feeling as I do but it doesn't seem right to numb them. I need to feel these things to get well.

4. Went to the bowling alley to watch my daughter try out for the high school bowling team. It brought back fond memories and I enjoyed watching her compete. I loved to bowl! Maybe I will again someday.

5. Sicilian pizza with extra cheese and sausage: yum!

My goal of the day: I will accept how I feel and not criticize myself for feeling the way I do

Affirmation of the day: Feeling sad and angry is sometimes as important as feeling happy and peaceful.

God is always with me.

GiST 3

I thought this was going to be a difficult post for me today because my day didn't start out too well. I am worried and sad about my brother. He's at risk now and I don't want anything to happen to him. I am not worried about my mother. Nothing sticks to her and she'll continue sailing along like nothing happened and all fault and blame lie elsewhere. She feels no guilt.

On the other hand, my brother and I are burdened with guilt. Today, my pastor talked about being grateful for serving God. He focused on Matthew 25, which focuses on two parables and what we can expect for being faithful in serving God. The points that Pastor Glass was making was that when Jesus returns and we all go to be with Him, we won't have any more opportunity to serve here on earth. We don't know when that time will be. Next was the point about being faithful--giving openly and being free with our "talents". The amount isn't important but the fact that we do God's work is.

Well, I started to feel guilty. I felt like I hadn't done anything, first of all. I felt like I'd wasted my "talents"--i.e., my knowledge of sign language and being an interpreter and maybe getting involved in a deaf ministry. I copped out of even pursuing that because I decided that I just couldn't handle it emotionally. Pastor was talking about what it meant to be a "wicked" servant--a person who is blaming others (specifically, God) for what's happened. The example Pastor used I could identify with: if you hadn't made that batch of cookies, I wouldn't have eaten them. If you hadn't left the money on the table, I wouldn't have picked it up. And I felt like I was just blaming my mom for not wanting to get involved with sign language anymore.

But when he started talking about the third point, the verses he focused on was that the "righteous" would get their inheritance because they'd sheltered Jesus or fed Him or clothed Him when it was needed. The righteous said something like, what are you talking about? We never did that for You. And he answered, anytime you did this for a needy person, you did it for me. So then I thought, I think I do that...but am I right to think that? And is it enough?

I was talking to TB about it and he said, yes, one of my gifts is empathy and compassion and I use it a lot. So then I thought, so I'm serving after all? I felt better.

I also feel better because now I realize something else. I grew up doing the best I could but also believing it was not enough. That's what I was told. So it's like I think whatever I do is not good enough. BUT now that I put a finger on it, I can start changing it.

So my GiST today is:


1. The sun is out after so many days of damp dreary rain!
2. I felt well enough to go to church today
3. I heard from one of my cousins, one who understands what's going on. That's a big help.
4. A friend on Facebook offered to do a book swap with me. I love to read!
5. I don't feel guilty anymore--at least, not right now. That's a step in the right direction!

My goal today is: I don't have to feel guilty. I am doing the best I can with what I have.

My affirmation today is: I'm who I'm meant to be, I'm not a mistake.